“Totally Not Triggered”

By Jonah Wiener-Brodkey

Donald Trump, Jr. had high expectations for a promotional event at UCLA on Sunday, where he planned to discuss his new book, “Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us.” The success of Trump’s big day, however, was called into question as soon as he arrived to boos and hisses from over 30 protesters.

“This is a classic bullying tactic of the Left,” Trump said over their chants. “There’s only one of me and what, like, two or three hundred of them? I may be outnumbered, but I’m not going anywhere. It’s like Dad always taught me: ‘The man who seeks to win popularity contests is doomed; but the man who strategically focuses on a few key battleground states has a fighting chance.’”

MAGA hats dotted the crowd as Trump took the stage to deliver his talk. Moments later, chaos ensued as hecklers inside the venue demanded Trump hold a Q&A session, which he refused, calling such an opportunity to speak directly to attendees “a dirty Leftist scheme to silence me.” As the crowd grew unruly, Trump grew unhinged.

“Honestly, it got pretty weird,” said Nicole Lopez, a third-year political science major. “People started asking for a Q&A, then protesters started shouting over him. He stopped the talk to go on a five-minute tirade asking the protesters to use ‘trigger warnings’ before disagreeing with him.” Lopez explained that she had been about to leave the event after Trump paused the talk for his fourth round of mindful breathing exercises, when Trump called off the remainder of his talk.

“I thought this was supposed to be a safe space,” he said through sniffles after ending the event early. “I generally believe that ‘violent speech’ is just a Leftist talking point used to silence conservatives, but now I realize its truly damaging impact.”

Many attendees noted the irony of Trump’s refusal to answer audience questions and decision to prematurely end his speech when faced with criticism. Raymond Young, a professor at the Anderson School of Management, pointed out that by silencing his critics at a speech about how the Left likes to silence conservatives, Trump came off as the “triggered” one.

“Pssshhhhh, I’m not triggered, they’re triggered,” said Trump, who had slipped into drawstring sweatpants and begun spooning from a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy ice cream. “I just don’t understand how the Left can be so stupid, arrogant, and above all, hateful. Clearly, free speech cannot prosper until we snuff out these harmful views.”

The next stop on Trump’s promotional book tour is UC Berkeley. Trump said that he is familiar with Cal’s history of free speech and tolerance, and that he looks forward to engaging with what is sure to be a more gracious crowd.