Category: Satire
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In Pursuit of Horror
By Nicole Pacheco In pursuit of true horror, we have pushed further and further into the extremes of costume choices as we’ve grown past our Disney princess and firefighter costumes. Oh, we’ve grown so much. These days you can’t just be a Disney princess. Absolutely not. You mustn’t show up to the function unless that…
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They Don’t Know What’s Best for Them
By Rithwik Narendra “Ew, you practically live in South Campus,” his friends near YRL would say every evening when they met up at HQ. It wasn’t his fault. Yet everyday, he made the arduous trek from the Bomb Shelter to Hedrick and then back again, dodging hundreds of students on Bruinwalk who could hardly care…
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Important Information Regarding Dining Halls
By Humble Galka Dear students, Due to the magnitude of Hill residents choosing to eat the highest emission food options, we are far behind on our goal to become a carbon neutral campus by 2025—even after we put the scary red earth next to them. Next winter quarter, we are pleased to announce that we…
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What’s Your Name Again?
By Richard Su You meet this girl in your math class. She tells you her name, and you gladly reciprocate. In following weeks, she enthusiastically greets you by name as you pass each other in dorm hallways, dining halls, and on Bruinwalk. She slowly begins to realize you only respond with “Hey!” or “Great to…
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Status Update Part II of Wi-Fi Connectivity Issues on Campus
By Nathan Brice Over the past few months, we have received more reports from our faculty, staff, and student body surrounding connectivity and WiFi outages across campus. We understand the overwhelming importance of reliable internet to support our learning and working lives and we would like to extend our deepest apologies yet again for any…
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Ode to BPlate Kale
By Jason Lim I love BPlate. In fact, I love it almost as much as I hate myself. Nothing brings me more joy in this world than loading up a plate with Brown Calrose Rice and Sautéed Spinach. I love it so much that it’s all I eat. Even better, I only have to wait…
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Big 10 Suddenly Confused Why UCLA is a Football School
By Kayla Gerber Attention! UCLA is now joining the Big Ten Conference in 2023. Associates have reported that UCLA is moving onto bigger and better things after losing a whopping total of five games to mediocre schools in 2021. “We decided to go big or go home,” says Assistant Coach Geoffrey, “and we are not…
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Getting There
By Chris Collins As I make the long and loathsome walk from my apartment to class, I realize there is, without a doubt, nothing to write about. The quar- ter’s practically up, my deadline’s coming, it’s too cold, my TA hasn’t graded any of my work, and I still haven’t been able to come up…
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Sake Bomb Voice Crack
By David Egan It was Friday night in Westwood and everything was going great for UCLA junior Yehl O’Tail. He was at Ami Sushi with a large co-ed group. Everyone packed into one of those long tables up against the wall. Yehl was situated on the bench between Myrtle and another girl whose name he…
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The Peaked in College Phenomenon
By Anu Shivakumar I tucked behind my ear the free pen I got from those pre- med kids on BruinWalk, and knocked on a thin white door. The address wasn’t too far from my apartment, but still south of Wilshire, perched on a vaguely residential-looking street. Certainly quieter than Roebling. A man with a tuft…
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