Tag: Satire
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Dick Picaresque
By Jordin Wang Give me power to divulge, O Muse, how dudebros boast their bulge, What ventures they must take to share Their rearing members everywhere, And for what passions in return They, sliding in DM’s, do yearn. From Beta Theta Pi on Gayley Chad B. Branson sallies daily Hoping for some sweet diversion (Maybe…
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Dear Student Body
By Anu Shivakumar Dear student body, My name is Joseph King. As a decorated alumnus of UCLA’s College of Letters and Numbers (’69), I’ve spent quite some time walking these red brick halls, broken sidewalks, and nearly perpendicular staircases—just like you. I’ve paid my dues waiting in line at The Study, getting kicked out of…
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Top 4 Bathrooms at UCLA: #2 will BLOW YOUR MIND!
By Larry Chen Dear Mr. News, I am a new student at UCLA with a sensitive stomach. Because of my proclivity to poop, I find myself frequenting the lavatorial establishments of my destinations. Can you make me a guide showing off the best spots around campus for my next emergency discharge? Sincerely, Mr. Brownout Hello…
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TwoReal: Your Most Authentic Self
By Jason Lim BeReal is the social media platform Gen Z has been waiting for. Growing up in humanity’s most internet-connected generation, we’re constantly bombarded with infuriatingly perfect pictures of our perfect friends “living their best lives,” leaving us shivering in a pockmarked landscape of anxiety and body dysmorphia. Thank God BeReal fixed everything for…
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God Save the Slackliner
By David Egan “I have an addictive personality,” said fourth-year philosophy student James Schwartz, attaching his webbing to a tree by Kerckhoff Hall. “I’m obsessive in just about everything I do. I work too hard. I love too hard. And I slackline. Above all–rain or shine–I slackline.” Schwartz, an acrobat since youth, outlined his plan:…
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Love: Just One Right Swipe Away
By Kayla Gerber UCLA’s most questionable guys are on the market. Find out how to snatch one for yourself today! Cuffing season’s over but it’s never too late to find a special someone. Looking for someone to hold your hand and walk you down Bruin Walk to class? Someone to stroll through the Botanical Gardens…
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An Open Letter to Strathmore Drive
By Julia Torres Oh Strathmore, Where do I begin? Firstly, I must thank you. You have graciously humbled me into becoming a better driver. Your perilous parking situation, to put it mildly, allows me to squeeze into formerly undrivable spaces with ease. The laws of the natural world truly do not apply to you. You…
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French Fight Cigarette Reform: Or, How the West Was Won
By Chris Collins The story was always French. It was only ever a matter of just how French it would be. Cigarettes. Long, slender, sleek—much like a Frenchman or an ermine. They weren’t the start of our story, but I think by the end you’ll agree, they were always the heart beating this gnarled wordy…
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How UCLA Saved Me From Addiction
By Chris Collins I was about to twist off the screw top of my nightly bottle of Trader Joe’s Maria Jola Sangria when my phone buzzed to life with an email notification. “That’s unusual,” I thought, “no one ever reaches out to me, especially not at 9:30 on a weeknight.” So, I paused last week’s…
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Finding Your Soulmate on Zoom
By Julia Torres Tired of Tinder and Hinge? Can’t remember the last time you truly felt all hot and bothered? Look no further! As we approach yet another quarter without fully in-person classes, I say we put those online discussion sessions to good use…specifically with Zoom DMs. Let’s be honest—we have all had a Zoom…
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