Why Sex Has Become Un-Sexy

By Tali Lebowitsch

The percentage of teenagers who are sexually active has dropped fifteen percentage points since the 1990s. Yet, it appears as if sex has never occupied such a prominent position in public discourse.

For centuries, most societies viewed sex as inextricably tied to the institution of heterosexual, monogamous marriage and the intended outcome of reproduction. Sex outside of these rigid confines was burdened by hyper-stigmatization and an association with the taboo. It was only in the mid 1900s, with the birth of the social movement of the Sexual Revolution, that sex transcended its prior role in society and took on a life of its own as a topic worthy of education, discussion, and exploration. Such a progression has continued until the present, to the point that sex has been normalized as a foundational tenet of human fulfillment, and has subsequently been commodified into a multi-billion dollar industry. If this is the case, why are we having less of it? 

I argue the pendulum has swung too far the other way: sexual overexposure has made sex inherently un-sexy. Over-intellectualized, over-analyzed, over-shared, and fed to us from every channel in every packaging possible, sex has been removed from its natural, instinctual origin and sanitized into a subject occupying the conceptual sphere over the physical. As a result, we are inclined to have less of it. 

Discussion of sexuality in its full nuance, complexity, and potential consequences has never been so normalized. For example, when it comes to gender and sexual orientation, all the categories we have constructed to vocalize our own identities have become deeply integrated into our societal lexicon and incorporated in our social customs. Many children as young as elementary school are already familiarized with such concepts, with some of them even able to articulate their own place on these spectrums from an early age. Never before have children this young had access to these concepts of sexual preference and gender identity, which are intrinsically tied to the journey of self-exploration and development one undergoes within a sexual context. On the more direct level of sexual activity itself, we’re currently experiencing a revolution in how we approach consent and proper sexual conduct. With the rise of movements such as #MeToo, and more general acknowledgement of how prevalent rape and unconsensual sexual encounters are, society has been in the process of redefining what the sexual encounter should look like in a publicized way. Finally, education around sexual health is largely destigmatized. There is now little excuse to be uninformed on the proper precautions necessary to maintain a healthy sex life, and the host of sexually transmitted diseases that we are susceptible to if we don’t follow them. 

This newfound openness in discussing sex in many of its facets is a generally positive progression. It entails that when we choose to have sex, it’s done with more intention and approached with appropriate caution. Yet, the sheer breadth of ongoing conversation about sexual behavior also suddenly makes it impossible not to overthink. A dissociation arises between one’s self and their role in sexual activity, through this lens of incorporating all the factors at play within a sexual dynamic, to the extent of being disinclined to have it. It would be completely rational, considering the level of exposure to the physical and emotional risks of sex, that it could even become something to fear. 

Furthermore, the role that the internet and social media plays in the decrease in sexual activity cannot be underestimated. The internet packages sex and sells it to us from every angle imaginable. On social media, scrolling through one’s timeline can feel like there is a never-ending stream of sex. Meanwhile, anyone with internet access can, with a simple google search, uncover a plethora of pornography of every genre.. The internet also unleashes the potential for the commercial aspect of sex to transcend to new heights. Products such as lingerie, bathing suits, and hair-removal (just to name a few) have gained footholds in social media marketing and promote themselves in the usage of evocative visual messaging. 

The effect is a desensitization to natural sexual desire. The pressure to present ourselves within this curated domain leaves us feeling over-seen—overly-perceived to the extent of isolating us further from our physical bodies and the actions natural to them. Furthermore, we are presented sex in a myriad of different forms constantly—all of which share the quality of artificiality—removing sex from the real act it is and bringing it into this curated, virtual sphere. The imagery we are presented is so incredibly diverse in what it communicates that it makes connecting to our personal, innate sexuality convoluted and difficult to disentangle from our perception of what it should be. Sometimes, and more so in recent years, the media we are fed through branding, social media, and porn, presents sex as empowering and superficially attempts to mimic its natural, imperfect nature. But more often than not the imagery is one of unattainable glamor and perfection rooted in unrealistic beauty standards, Eurocentrism, and the patriarchy. A good example would be examining the contrasting marketing tactics of lingerie brands such as Parade versus Victoria’s Secret. Parade, a newer, more “in-touch” lingerie brand that has grown through social media marketing, sells sexiness on the premise of body-diversity and maximal comfort. On the other hand, Victoria’s Secret maintains its decades-old status as the pinnacle of marketed female sexuality in the context of fantasy and unrealistic perfection. The wealth of narratives promoting conflicting messages of what sex and sexiness should look and feel like further serves to remove sex from the physical act that it is and adds a dimension of performativity that makes it a intimidating prospect. The Internet and social media as a whole creates a chasm between this artificial world we have constructed, one that is increasingly taking over our mode of existence and the physical world and the bodies we occupy within it, which consequently has major implications for physical acts like sex. 

It’s therefore no wonder that sex as an institution has shifted under our hyper-connected, technology-driven, consumerist society. It has become so exploited in a conceptual, discursive, and technological realm that it no longer feels like the natural, instinctual act that it is. Make no mistake: this article isn’t casting a moral judgment on such a progression. Larger discussion around sexuality, consent, and sexual health is a positive advancement for our society that has been overdue. 

Yet, there is undoubtedly something to be lost in this shift. At the end of the day, sex is a beautiful and natural experience. Our sexualities are integral facets of what makes us human and exploring them is necessary in each of our personal journeys of connecting with ourselves. The unique way that humans biologically experience sexual intimacy with one another entails that sex can be an incredibly powerful conduit of richer connections and relationships with one another. While that is the potential that sex holds, with all of the outside factors present in the sexual sphere as a result of sexual hyper-exposure, it is a potential that many in this generation will not fulfill.