10 Types of Communists on Campus

By Riya Kadam

I have to ask you something – have you ever heard of the Red Scare? No, it’s not how your face looks when you’ve spent $1000 on (red) Supreme merch – it’s the rise of communism that occurred in the 20s and 50s. Well, here’s the breaking news. Are you ready? The Red Scare is back. Now, as a closeted Marxist, I know I can’t keep this information to myself, so I’m here to tell you how to spot my comrades – wait, sorry – I mean how to spot the communists. Disclaimer: this article in no way means to profile anyone, unless, of course, it is a question of national security.

So here are the 10 types of commies on campus:

19P-ers Who Live the 11R Lifestyle:

These people have 100 swipes in the last week of the quarter. They might mess up and call swipes food stamps, but ignore that! They ration out their food in service of others – true commies!

Every Person in a Sorority or Fraternity:

Sororities and fraternities in all their homogenous glory are secret adherents of the homogeneity in the classless communist society.

Anyone Who Uses “comrade”:

Look out for those who use comrade as a term of endearment… and beware of the “bro,” “dude,” and “mate” users – these are terms of the bourgeois pigs!

Couple Bird-ers:

Couples that Bird around campus might seem like the millennial version of love-birds (pun unintended) roaming on European streets on a Vespa, but I’m here to tell you that it’s just a facade. These ingenious birder couples are just trying to pull a fast one on the capitalists.

The Study-Guide Samaritan:

The commies have infiltrated your lecture halls as well – but don’t worry, they reveal themselves when you need the communist spirit most. That one person who makes the in-depth, long (like three-volumes-of-The Capital-long) study guide and then benevolently helps all of you cappies out is an A+ commie.

SEAS Cafe Regulars:

Now, if you find yourself relating to some of these points, you should go check out the commie hangout spot on campus — SEAS Cafe. With its ridiculously cheap coffee, you best believe that it was started by the commies of our campus. You know how they say, “communists are birthed in secret or sometimes just in the labyrinth that is Boelter Hall.”

Flyer-ers:

Capitalism forces us to fight with each other for every opportunity, but the Flyer-ers of Bruin Walk refuse to discriminate against anyone as they shove their flyers onto literally every person they come across – finally, equal opportunity for all!

Blood Donors:

This one doesn’t even need an explanation. blood = red, red = communist

Trojans:

On this theme of the reds, do you remember that tiny school across the city? Yeah? Think about their colors. Our commie Trojans bleed RED and gold!

Men at Career Fairs:

Now, you might have noticed the gender disproportionality at any Career Fair (aka the bourgeois snog fest). This is just another commie tenet: “Working Men of All Countries, Unite!”