UCLA’s Lack of Urinal Dividers Spawns Penis ! Envy ! Panic !

By Keaton Larson

Across UCLA’s campus, a dangerous trend preys on the ultimate male insecurity: penile inferiority. As more and more urinal dividers are removed, students are forced to face the shocking truth that their endowment may have been less than generous. This has led some to suspect that the removal of dividers was a calculated move by the administration. By having restrooms without urinal dividers, men are forced to “man up” and pee anyways, even if it means pretending for 10 minutes until the urinals clear out.

A frequent public restroom goer, Kyle, expressed similar sentiment when interviewed at a urinal in Kerkhoff’s first floor restroom. “Its rough,” he said timidly, “when I’m peeing with the boys and Andy starts staring at my junk. I get nervous, and then I can’t go.” Kyle did not seem open to further questioning and left frantically before shaking it out, highlighting the anxiety caused by the lack of dividers.

Recent reports suggest that men have begun comparing themselves to all phallic objects in sight, searching for any validation they can find. According to lead investigator Jimmy, his roommate was found sobbing in a De Neve bathroom stall, holding nothing but a small Italian sausage. “His face said it all,” Jimmy recalled, quivering.

This male crisis is a clear example of gender oppression. UCLA has made no attempt to quell the daily fears of men that don’t have the luxury of peeing in a private stall, free from Tony’s 12 inch meatball sub. Absent urinal dividers, men must face the terrifying reality that peeing with their pants on the floor is no longer socially acceptable. Jake, a third year studying Oceanography, discussed his growing fears over the pressing urinal issue, “Look, I have fond childhood memories of crossing streams with my bro, but when it’s some rando who starts pissing in my urinal, I get a little uncomfortable.” At this point, Jake and I uncrossed streams and he went on his way.

Some student groups have already come up with unique solutions to UCLA’s penis panic. “SWPWTPDA” (otherwise known as “Students-Who-Pee-With-Their-Pants-Down Anonymous”) has expressed support for transitioning all bathrooms to genderneutral status. President Bear Chaps recently remarked, “Sitting or standing, it makes no difference to us.” If UCLA prefers to penalize private penile proclivities, it should promote proper peeing protocol. With this plan, instead of pissing next to Chad’s water hose, the average student can take his squirt gun to the stall and challenge the ladies. After all, there’s nothing more humbling than sitting down to pee.

Signed,

A Perturbed Pisser